time to scoot the stool back & throw down…

So I almost got into a bar brawl last week. Well… I guess that may be over stating it, but I did want to punch some people in the face. Drew & I went to our corner bar on Sunday to grab dinner & watch the Broncos and Indians games. They had tvs on each end of the bar- one for each game so Drew & I sat in the middle, it was perfect. So about 2 innings into the Indians game (10 mins or so into the Bronco game) this couple walks in and sit at the bar next to me- closest to the baseball game. Just to paint an accurate picture, the girl looked oddly like my cousin Erin (only about 35 years old), was dressed head to toe in Bronco gear and her boyfriend was mid-to-late 40s but obviously thought he was in his 20s still (and obviously had also been taking steroids because he was muscle-y yet weirdly hairy about the arms and hands… and it might also explain his bad attitude). Anyways, they lean over to this random guy at the end of the bar and ask who he’s rooting for (in the baseball game). The whole time they’re peering at me so I know they are aware I’m watching. They guy says he doesnt care either way, so they ask him if they can have the bartender change the tv to football. He says sure, but he thinks I’m watching the game. Then loud enough for me to hear the guy is like “well- she’s only one person so I’m sure she doesnt count. Anyway she can go watch the game at home”. WTF?? Why couldnt they just walk down to the other END OF THE BAR?! So then all 3 of them lean over and ask if I would mind if they changed it. I was SO pissed, but not wanting to start an altercation say “well, majority rules- go ahead” and intended on just going home. They ask the bartender to change the tv and she says “sorry- I cant. The owner is a HUGE baseball fan. In fact, I’ve just been instructed to turn up the volume”. HA! VINDICATION!! Meanwhile, in the 10 minutes all of this took place, the couple have literally done 3 straight shots of tequila and are chugging beers. At this point they have this annoying conversation with the guy at the end of the bar. The girl says “I dont know why anyone cares about this game- hel-lo we’re in COLORADO!! Hell- I’m from Ohio and dont care about this game” (insert my thought process- well, we care in Colorado because #1 whoever wins this game will be playing the Rockies in the World Series and #2 there are almost NO native Coloradans- EVERYONE hails from somewhere else so there’s a HUGE range of sports fans here!) Anyways, the loner guy asks the girl if she’s from Cleveland and she says (get this) “no, I’m from ATHENS, but VERY SIMILAR”. WHAT?????? How is Athens AT ALL very similar to Cleveland? Even if she was talking proximity it’s not that close- it’s 4 hours! It would be like you saying “oh, yeah- Athens, Louisville Kentucky- same thing” Not to mention that everyone I ever met who grew up in Athens/ Hocking Hills region was usually a Cincinnati fan anyway. So she goes on talking about Athens and it’s beauty and rolling hills (fair enough) but how she moved to Denver and will never go back, is now a die hard Broncos fan and no other team matters. So they guy asked how long she’s lived here and she replies (are you ready for this?) 6 months. Yeah. Thats all it takes apparently. So then she starts talking all this shit about Cleveland as though she’s from there & knows all there is to know about it… “oh, yeah, the lake is disgusting and caught on fire…” Actually, no bitch- the lake did NOT catch on fire. Ever. The RIVER caught on fire in the 70s. Get your shit right if you’re going to open your mouth. “Yeah, Cleveland is really scary- we’d have to drive through it all the time on the way to Pittsburgh…” WHAT??? What the fuck crazy way are you getting from Athens to Pittsburgh? “Cleveland was rated the most dangerous city in the country” No, again- check your facts. It WAS rated the poorest (which is too bad) but NOT the most dangerous!! That glory goes to St. Louis and Detroit, thank you very much. THEN she said she doesnt know how the Indians have any fans anyway because they havent made it to a playoff game in 50 years. HELLO!! The Indians WON the playoffs in 96 and 97! They went to the World Series in 97! What is she talking about?? SO I’m totally fuming… and then they start talking shit about ME! Keep in mind ALL I have done at this point is say “sure, you can change the channel” and then mind my own business & watch the game. I couldnt really hear what they were saying, so maybe I’m being overly paranoid, but there was a lot of talking in hushed tones followed by giggling and staring at me. So now I’m furious. They’re also making a huge production of leaning over me at the bar so “they can actually see the football game” and loudly making comments about how they thought they were going to actually be watching sports tonight. Finally the bartender was like “you know- there are two empty seats down here if you’d rather move” and pointed at two seats directly in front of the Broncos game. And this is the part I couldnt believe- the couple actually PAUSED to THINK ABOUT IT!!! They finally moved and I was relieved… and then this sweet looking old guy sat down where they were. I thought to myself thank god- I’m sure at least he wont be rude… but then he totally started cussing out the Indians every time they did something well! I know people are allowed to root for different teams & that’s half the fun… but he was SO MEAN!! He was like “well, at least they’re lucky sometimes to make up for the fact that they’re not smart…” and “they make falling shit small like a rose” Ok, old man river… so I just ignore it & watch the game. I looked over at the other end of the bar after halftime… and the couple was GONE!! After all that shit talking they ended up with seats to watch the Broncos game and then LEFT!! I could not believe it. Shortly thereafter Drew & I left to watch the gruesome Indians defeat in the comfort of our own home… I love people.

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