I took a few months off to regroup. I needed time to myself- for school, for healing, for my other responsibilities. I also wanted to allow myself the slivers of personal time I did have to curl up in the dark and lick my wounds… or to just forget about everything altogether.
But I’m back. And I think my time away was for the best. I did a LOT of reflection over the past several months. It is true that my life has not been easy lately, and it is easy for me to withdraw and sulk, but in the grand scheme of things I am incredibly lucky. I have a warm home, a steady income, and a family that loves me. While I had a difficult stretch, and I tried to get those feelings out by writing them down, I feel like I have been indulging negativity and encouraging my own pessimism. In a way, I feel like my crying over my depression takes away from those people who really have problems- many of whom handle such personal travesties with a strength and grace I have never known.
That is not to say that I’m not allowed to feel down. Those that really know me know my life has always been a series of emotional spirals, its the core of who I am. And its also not to say that I’ll never write about it again. But I think , at least for now, I’ve had enough dwelling.
That being said, in honor of the holidays and my own hope for a changed perspective, it is my goal to write a post every day. Only each post must contain something positive- something happy, a great idea, a funny story. I’m going to do two today for the first two days of December.
I was having lunch with a friend and she told me about a conversation she had with her mom. Her mom had been suffering from low self worth and depression and was questioning her life choices. Was she wrong to have dedicated her life to being a teacher and a mother? Her brothers were doctors and scientists and community organizers- they were revolutionaries. Her life in comparison seemed so simple and small. She had been living with these feelings for years and eventually decided to voice them to her husband. Their marriage had always been tumultuous but 30 years later they were still together, still in love. He looked at her and said “how could you ever think your life is meaningless? You saved me. That means something”. I thought this was such a wonderful story and I couldn’t help but cry a bit over my salad. I think it proves how much of an impact your life can make without you ever realizing it. Somewhere out there, whether you know it or not, you have touched someone. Maybe even saved their lives. And that DEFINITELY means something.
Today is snowed a breathtakingly beautiful crisp white snow. It was enough to blanket everything in sparkles, to make our cheeks rosy and appreciate our warm homes. It was just enough to be the perfect entrance for the holidays without being enough to stall traffic or create slush to trudge through. I was just thinking yesterday that it has been too warm lately for me to really feel in the holiday spirit. Looks like I was answered. Now I want nothing more than a hot chocolate and a Christmas tree.