Once I realized that I was into my second trimester, I became a little depressed. I couldnt believe that I was 1/3 of the way through my pregnancy… and had not become the type of pregnant mother I always assumed I would be. I had this romantic notion of becoming more spiritual, more in tune with my body and this growing baby. I thought I would devote time to yoga and meditation. That I would read all the pregnancy and birthing books I could get my hands on. That I would refine my eating habits and become even more strict than I was, become healthier than I ever had been. I also imagined that I would immediately become organized and that my home, work, and school life would all somehow become more manageable. That all of a sudden our finances would be 100% figured out.
And none of those things happened.
I have been too busy and exhausted to spend much time on myself. The last thing I’ve had an extra hour for is yoga. The only book I’ve manged to read so far is What to Expect when you’re Expecting. Its better than nothing, I guess, but its also because it’s broken up into short, easy to read sections. Instead of becoming more strict with my eating habits, I’ve allowed myself to consume things I never would have previously (Sonic milkshakes?). And my life is…. well, its the opposite of organized.
So I really agonized about that. Until recently.
I realized that I am doing the best that I can. When we daydream, we don’t figure in real life. Thats the point of a daydream. I’m not saying that my original goals were unattainable, but there was no way I could have known how exhausted I’d be in my first trimester. Or how much work would require of me. And I realized that feeling bad or guilty during this pregnancy is much worse for me (and the baby) than any of the other things I have (or have not) done.
There are also really positive things that have come out of this that I never even knew to daydream about. For example, I have never been so comfortable in my own skin in my entire life. For this first time ever, I feel like my body is perfect. I lost 8 pounds in my first trimester which likely got me down to a good “pre-pregnancy weight”, but my belly has been growing and I’m IN LOVE with it. I’ve been wearing form fitting clothes nearly daily and with a pride I’ve never known. For a person who has always struggled with body issues (from feeling too thin to feeling too heavy) this is really powerful.
And I also have to realize that this isnt over, its only the beginning! Just this weekend I noticed that my fatigue is starting to wane. I got a sudden burst of energy today that allowed me to clean and organize most of the house. I have plenty of time to read and become more focused. I’m still a fairly healthy eater. I likely did worse in my first trimester because I was too tired to cook and not feeling great so I indulged some cravings. And honestly, if the baby wants an occasional milkshake, I think thats ok.
I’m even signing up for a pre-natal yoga workshop in August.
Things are exactly as they should be.