The past few days have been stressful for us. Last night we thought we were destined for the hospital again for sure. I even made overnight care arrangements for Evvie and had our bags packed. That old familiar tightness in my chest returned, along with the prickle of tears threatening to spill over. Talking to my parents, my voice was rushed, choked. I clung to Griffin, timing his breaths- over and over again, regardless of the lack of change.
And then I stopped.
I realized how lucky we are. Griffin wasn’t fighting for his life. Fighting to breathe, yes- but nothing that some inhalers and oxygen wouldn’t fix. So what if we ended up in the hospital? What was the absolute worst that would happen? A few more days off work. Griffin miserable because of the restrictive machinery. An expensive copay. Inconveniences. But at the end of the day, we would have our HEALTHY son back to join his HEALTHY sister. We would still have our jobs- including mine that has been incredibly supportive. We would still have our home and each other. So no- I didn’t WANT to have to be admitted again, but I realized that if it had to happen, it would only be fore Griffin’s benefit and we’d all be just fine. I was calm.
Our doctor ended up overturning the nurse’s original hospital suggestion and told us that he thought Griffin should relax at home and be seen in the morning instead. Even better.
This morning after wrestling Griffin into taking his nebulizer and running Evvie to school, I drove us back to the doctor’s office. Griffin was actually in a great mood- singing and joking the whole way. He told me about how bunnies come from eggs, how sad he was that Evvie was at school without him, and how for his next toy, he wants Sam’s mom (from Transformers) because moms are good guys.
On the way in to the doctor’s office, Griffin held my hand the entire way instead of pulling back like usual. He looked up at me- in his suede coat over last night’s jammies and rumpled hair- smiled and said “I love you, mommy”.
So those moments are what I am choosing to take away from this. Those moments that I wouldn’t have had if I had just taken him right to school this morning like any other day. His smile, his laugh, the sun glinting off his hair and eyes, these extra few moments with a beautiful little boy I’m so lucky to call mine.