In the absence of creation

One of my coworkers is having a baby, and I decided that I was going to make her a pair of earrings or a necklace as a token of luck and love.

Although I wouldn’t necessarily call myself “good” at making jewelry, it is something I really enjoy doing, and the end result is something wearable (hopefully) but meaningful (for sure). When I make someone a piece, I think about them for a long time. I pinpoint their style, the colors they like, even the shape of their face. And then I find the beads that seem to whisper that person’s name.

Today was a long day and after getting the kids to bed, I was excited to relax and create. I sat at my beautiful craft area, I opened my box of beads, and immediately I found a few that wanted to be hers.

I reached for my jewelry making kit, with my hardware and tools in it, to decide on a shape and a style, but it was nowhere to be found. I checked everything on and under my desk twice, three times… I was getting frustrated.

Drew and I decided to rearrange living spaces a few months ago, and Griffin’s old bedroom became our new office/ guest room/ and craft space. Unfortunately, the move was rather spur of the moment and wasn’t carried out as well as I would have liked, so apparently not everything has made it to their proper homes. Most notably, my jewelry making kit.

I marched downstairs and checked Griffin’s extra closet (which he, still awake, found endlessly entertaining). But no luck. I came back upstairs and checked the closet in the office. Nothing. I RE-checked my desk area, and then moved to my bedroom, the living room, and then on to places I KNEW it wouldn’t be (like the linen closet) because what the heck. Nada. All the while I was imagining exactly where it USED to be before we moved everything around. I was brimming with irritation. But the answer is it’s disappeared.

My frustration was actually quite fleeting. It easily transitioned into sadness. And that’s where it sits, rolling around like one of those gray beads in the back of my head and inside my chest. A hard, icy gloom.

But WHY? It’s not because it’s really GONE- it will show up. And if it doesn’t, it’s easily replaced. It’s not that I couldn’t make this gift, she will still be celebrated. It is more that I sat down with an idea and a full heart to take time for myself and my friend, and instead, those few moments that in my life are so rare and cherished, were wasted. I work to carve out this time, every moment means something to me. And now it’s evaporated. And I think today, of all days, I wanted to feel like my time mattered.

I have nothing to show for my evening except for a handful of beads that whispered my friend’s name and these words. But tomorrow I will try again. And maybe tonight, realizing my own worth is really what I needed.

 

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